I’m a dreamer.
I always have been since I was a little kid. I’ve always had big plans and would dream about how I would achieve them.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a famous rapper someday. I wanted to play huge sold-out arenas like all my idols did. I wanted to hear a big audience singing the words to my songs.
Once I had my dream in place, I made a plan. I was going to do whatever it took to get to that dream.
I practiced piano obsessively. I wrote songs and learned how to record. I spent days in my room practicing how to perform in front of people.
I grew up living that dream. I was able to perform in front of a lot of people. I went to college and started a band. We toured the country for 6 years playing in front of thousands of people.
It was just a matter of time before I got the things I really wanted, right?
Fame. Money. A crowd of people who all know my songs. I mean, that is what we are taught our whole lives. If we work hard and want something bad enough, it will happen.
But we don’t always get what we want.
Eventually, some people in my band wanted to move on with their lives. The band broke up. I got bitter. I started to see how hard the music business was and that success was not going to come quickly or easily. I worked really hard but I got to the point where I couldn’t do it anymore. I gave up. And I entered one of the most depressing times of my life.
After 14 rough years, I came back to a place where I was ready to try again. I started Soul Motivation Records and I was back! The dream was alive and well.
This time it was a little different. I didn’t necessarily want to be famous, I just wanted to connect with people, maybe play some sold-out clubs instead of arenas, and be able to make a fulltime living with my music.
So I went to work. My obsession kicked back in. I spent a lot of time in the recording studio, writing and recording new songs. I put out 3 albums. I spent a lot of money on marketing courses and started surrounding myself with other people who were trying to live the dream too.
I spent countless hours behind my laptop setting up websites, making social media posts, writing blog posts, growing my email list. It was a lot of work but it was a lot of fun because my dream was alive again. And no matter what, I was going to get what I wanted.
And then one day it hit me.
Maybe I won’t get the things that I want?
Will I be ok if I don’t? Maybe God’s plan is different than mine? Can I be happy following God’s plan if it’s not the same as mine?
This was a really hard concept for me to get my head around. It still is, to be honest. I mean, how do you surrender to God but not give up on life altogether?
How do you surrender to God but still have ambitions?
I have been struggling with these concepts for a while now. But I think God has been showing me that I need to be willing to give it all up. I need to be willing to do whatever He wants. And as long as I am fighting that, I am going to be miserable. I am going to be frustrated. I am going to be eyeing the dessert table at the restaurant a little too long.
Am I willing to put it all on the line and really listen to what God wants? Am I willing to let go of what I think is supposed to happen and focus on what is happening?
I have spent a lot of my life living in the “Happy When” mentality. I’ll be happy when I’m a famous rapper. I’ll be happy when I’m rich. I’ll be happy when I’m skinny. And while I am spending all my time trying to make those things happen, I am missing the life that I do have.
And the life I do have, right now, is pretty awesome. I get to play music for a living. I have some amazing friends and family. I live in a really cool city.
I have spent so much time in my dreams that I forgot how to live in reality.
Maybe the key to happiness is letting go of the life we think we are supposed to have and start living the life that we DO have.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a dreamer. There is nothing wrong with dreaming. But in addition to being a dreamer, I am trying to be a better listener as well. I’m keeping my eyes open to what God wants me to do next. And I’m learning that it’s ok to not know right now. I am just going to keep taking one step at a time. God has never let me down and He won’t start now.
I don’t’ have all the answers. I don’t have this all figured out. I wish this blog post had a happier ending with a picture of me playing that big arena. But it doesn’t. I’m not sure what this all means. I don’t know exactly where I’m going next. This is real life and real life doesn’t always go the way we want it to.
I think that is the whole point. It’s not up to me. It’s up to God. And I think the life of my dreams comes from living the life God wants me to live. So I’m going to surrender. I’m going to take a breath. Slow down a little. And spend more time in prayer and meditation.
God is already starting to show me new opportunities. And He is also showing me how to enjoy this life that I have. Right now. Right here. This life is pretty good. When I’m willing to let go of all the expectations I have for my life, then this life is able to bring me joy and peace.
And maybe that was the dream I was looking for all along.