I have been thinking a lot about music lately. It's so amazing, isn't it? Life-changing. And during these last few weeks of chaos and uncertainty, music has brought me more comfort and peace than I have allowed it to in years.
The truth is I have been taking music for granted for a long time now. Being a professional musician is actually a great way to make you hate music.
Sad but true.
Sometimes when music becomes a job, you lose sight of what you loved about it in the first place. It becomes mundane and ordinary. It becomes hard and even unpleasant all in the name of paying your mortgage.
When the world shut down and I was forced to slow down, I started remembering that I have had all this amazing music in my pocket this whole time yet I never take the time to listen to it anymore.
There was a time, not so long ago, when you had to buy tickets to hear music. Then you had to wait for months until you could go to the show. When that day finally came, you had to get dressed up and go to the place with all the other adults, sit in a seat, wait for the lights and the chatter to die down. And then finally, you could listen to this music you had been craving for months.
You only had one shot. It was live. No recordings. So you had to be present. Listen. Take it all in. And the only way you could record it was in your mind.
As the days went on after, you could replay it in your mind and relive the magic and the wonder of that night. But as more time went on, it became harder and harder to recall the music. The memory would begin to fade and eventually it was like you were never there. So you had to buy another ticket, plan another night out, dress up, go to the room with the adults and do it all over again.
This was the only way to listen to music. This was the only way to get this comfort and beauty into your life. It took time. Dedication. Patience. And discipline.
With time came vinyl, cassettes and CD's. We could finally start to enjoy this music more often. But then came the iPod soon followed by smartphones and everything changed forever.
Now we have this beauty in our pockets at all times. Anytime I want to, I can pull out my phone and listen to some of the most amazing music ever written performed just for me, directly to my ears through my headphones. It's like my own little private concert. I don't have to buy a ticket. I don't have to wait for months. I don't even have to put on pants. It is always there. It is just waiting for me to hit play.
Over the years, my life had gotten so busy and crazy. Like all of us do as adults, I got caught up in making money and paying bills and I forgot that the music was still there. I focused on stress, fear, and anxiety instead of the device in my pocket that had all the answers I was looking for.
When the world stopped, I finally remembered it was there.
I can't tell you how much joy this phone has brought to my life over the past few weeks. I have totally been "the weird guy" walking down the street crying with headphones on because I can finally connect with this music in a way that I haven't in years. I have listened to my favorite Broadway shows, I have listened to concertos, I have listened to the guilty pleasure songs from my youth. It has transported me to another time and place. It has connected me with nature, God and my community. It has reminded me of the magic and wonder of being a kid.
Most importantly, it has reminded me that everything is going to be ok. When I choose to see it, I have everything I need. I have love, I have community and I have music.
There are many things the world is telling me I can't do right now, but there is one thing I can do.
Who knew the answer was in my pocket all along.
- Chris
Never Stop Trying On The Shirt
I bought this 2X t-shirt years ago. I weighed over 400 pounds at the time but I bought it in the hopes that someday I would fit in it.
It has sat in my drawer year after year.
Once I got into recovery I started trying it on every few months. Too tight every time but slowly I started to see that someday it would fit.
Today I decided to try it again because it had been a few months. It slipped on easy and fits perfectly. I cried for a little bit and then decided to take this picture. It may seem like a silly little t-shirt but it means the world to me.
Never give up. Never stop trying on the shirt because one day it will fit.
Pt. 2 - UPDATE
Surely you have better things to do with your time than to watch me try on shirts.
But I thought it was important that I share this with you.
I messed up. The shirt I tried on yesterday was not the shirt I thought it was. After getting so many comments saying the shirt actually looked too big, I double-checked. It was a 3X and not the 2X I was thinking of.
So today I tried on the 2X.
And it fits even better than the other one. :)
The point remains the same - never stop trying on the shirt.
P.S. Proof that I bought this shirt years ago is that it is a St. Louis Rams T-shirt! lol
A Million Little Things
I have been feeling really anxious, agitated and frustrated lately.
Anyone else?
It seems like every little thing turns into a big deal. It’s left me feeling confused, angry and searching for answers.
I think this is something that a lot of us do to ourselves. With a lot of meditation, prayer, and conversations with some great people, I have started to learn a few things about myself. I’ve got a few ideas on how to make it stop.
I internalize all the little annoying things that happen throughout my day and turn them into personal failures. I write these moments off as “annoying” or “stressful” but what I am really saying internally is “I’m a failure. I screwed up again. If I was better, that wouldn’t have happened. What’s wrong with me?
I’ve already done it while writing this blog post. When I opened up my Chrome browser, I got a notification. You know those annoying notifications you get at the top of your screen from Facebook or YouTube or whatever. I thought I had turned this off. Matter of fact I know I did, but yet here we are. It’s still happening. Instantly I get pissed at myself. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I figure out how to turn off my notifications? I did what google told me to do. Why isn’t it working?
Frustrating yes. Personal failure no.
Sometimes it’s true that something is missing. I don’t have all the information yet. But is that my fault? Does that make me a bad person? Is that a failure?
No. Not at all. It just means that I haven’t learned everything in the world yet. I have a little more studying to do. But how am I supposed to make myself accountable to know things that I don’t even know about yet? That’s a battle I can never win. But placing these impossible expectations on myself, I set myself up for failure. It is the only possible outcome.
I need to learn that if I don’t know something, then it’s not a failure. It’s just something I still need to learn. That really is all there is to it.
It happened another time while writing this post. I used some incorrect grammar (which I do a lot) while typing that first paragraph. Instantly I judged myself. Anger. Frustration. What is wrong with me? Why am I not smarter? If I was smarter I wouldn’t be messing up grammatically and having to spend time fixing all my mistakes. Isn’t it ok to make mistakes? Do I have to have perfect grammar to be ok? No. And besides, they make awesome apps for that now. Grammarly anyone?! :)
A million little frustrations become a million big failures
I take these super small annoying things that happen throughout my day and turn them into big failures. I do this a million times a day and it all adds up to a million failures. And by mid-afternoon, I am emotionally exhausted and trying to figure out why. Maybe it’s because I just spent the first half of my day railing on myself for every little thing I could find wrong. This leads to anger. Depression. Anxiety. Frustration. Agitation. And generally just feeling like an absolute loser.
Here are just a few examples of the way I do this every day. Do any of these sound familiar?
Dropping something in the kitchen, bumping into some furniture, my computer freezing up, when I misread my GPS app and take a wrong turn while driving, when a client questions me, when a student quits their lessons, when someone doesn’t call me back, when I forget the words to a song, when I play a wrong note on the piano, when I fumble on my words when talking to someone. And on and on it goes. A million little things turning into a million huge failures. Every day. Day after day.
Make it stop!
The good news is now that I am aware of this, there is something I can do about it. I need to practice catching these little things as they happen. Acknowledge the frustration and then speak the truth. These are not personal failures. These are just a part of life. I am a human being who makes mistakes. I am a human being who is still learning new things. I am a human being who needs to practice being kinder to myself.
The keyword here is “practice” This is not going to happen overnight. But if I can start making this a daily practice, I can start catching more and more of these little frustrations before they become huge self-deprecating moments.
So my new practice is to acknowledge these little things and to be kinder to myself. If I can do this a million times a day then everything changes. And right now, a change sounds pretty good to me.
Is it ok to be fat?
What would you say if I told you it’s not ok to be fat?
What is your first reaction?
I think a lot of people would say some of the following things:
You can’t use the word “fat.” That’s offensive.
Who are you to judge others?
We should love people no matter how much they weigh.
A person’s weight doesn’t equal their worth.
It’s ok to be fat as long as you get some exercise.
It’s ok to be fat as long as you are happy.
Any of those sound familiar?
I think I have used them all myself at one time or another, mainly to justify my own weight issues.
Nobody wants to feel like a loser. Nobody wants to feel like a failure. When we struggle with something, like our weight, we start to look for answers. Sometimes excuses can come disguised as answers. We latch on to these excuses, we find people who will also support these excuses, and we surround ourselves in lies.
Over time we start to believe our excuses.
But just because we believe something doesn’t mean it’s true.
We do all this in the name of making ourselves feel better. We reach for food to comfort ourselves. But comfort is not the same as being healthy. Those are two completely different things that we mistake for each other all too often.
The truth is being fat is a symptom. It is a very obvious sign that someone is spiritually sick. They are holding on to fear, resentment, and shame. They are seeking comfort from food instead of facing the truth. They are either addicted to food, have compulsions they can’t control or are in such a state of depression and denial they don’t see any other way to live.
Fat life is a very hopeless existence.
How do I know this? Because that was me for 40 years until I got into recovery.
Thinking that being fat was ok allowed me to get up to 505 pounds. It made me sick. I was on pharmacy store supply level of medications. I could barely walk. I was in constant pain. I was asthmatic. I was prediabetic. I was depressed. I was anxious. I was lonely.
I was dying.
It wasn’t until a couple close friends of mine told me the truth that I started to see how sick I was. The truth they told me was that they were afraid I was going to die soon. Hearing that from someone close to me hurt. It shook me to my core.
But it saved my life.
The truth is being fat is dangerous. Physically, mentally and spiritually. So now I am going to say something that used to be a very obvious statement, but it seems like nobody says it anymore…
Being fat is bad for your health.
We all know that, but we keep denying it in order to be nice. We don’t want to be mean so we say that being fat is ok. We don’t want to be looked at as a “shamer” so we go along with the crowd. We say the most ridiculous things in the name of being progressive or supportive. We find ourselves saying things like “As long as they are happy, then that’s fine with me.”
Here is a little secret that the Body Positivity Community won’t ever tell you:
There are no fat people who are happy.
Being fat means you are sick. It means your body can’t process everything you are putting into it which means it has to work harder. And that ultimately means it will crap out sooner and you will die younger. It also puts you at a much higher risk for diabetes, cancer, and heart disease.
Doctors always say “puts you at a higher risk” because they can’t legally say that you WILL get one of these things. But the truth is, if you continue to beat your body up with food, it is only a matter of time before you will.
Being fat also means that you will have a lower quality of life while you are alive. You can lie to yourself all you want, but all my fellow fat people know that life is a million times harder when you are fat.
You constantly worry about your health. You constantly worry about having a heart attack or stroke. You don’t fit into airplane seats. You constantly worry about breaking furniture. You are always uncomfortable. You are scared to go anywhere because you don’t know if you will be able to be comfortable in that situation. Will they have a chair you can fit in? Will you fit into the Uber when they come to pick you up?
The truth is the Body Positivity Movement is killing people. It is telling people it is ok to be fat. It is telling parents it is ok to let your kids eat whatever they want and be fat. It is making us accept a deadly disease as normal. And that is why people are dying.
Approximately 300,000 people die due to obesity-related sickness every year.
Being fat is not ok.
Does that mean you should hate yourself if you are fat?
Of course not.
This is the line that people are so afraid to cross so we just make it ok to be fat instead of dealing with defining the line better. Self-hate will never get you anywhere. We need to be able to step back from our identity as a “fat person” and look at it objectively. We can say that we have a problem without hating ourselves. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. And ultimately we should love ourselves enough to see that we have a problem and we need help.
Does that mean we should tease fat people?
Of course not.
But what it does mean is we should love people enough to be honest with them, even if it makes us uncomfortable. Lying to a fat person and saying they look good or look healthy is not helping anyone. It is making you into a lier and it is making them feel ok about their destructive behavior.
What are we supposed to do?
Think about it. If you had a friend who was doing heroin, you wouldn’t say “Hey man, as long as you are happy do all the heroin you want!” You would be the world’s worst friend if you said that.
What you would probably say is “Hey man, I love you. And I hate to see you kill yourself. If there is anything I can do to help you, just say the word and I’m there.”
That is the exact same thing you need to say to your fat friend. You could save their life just like my friends helped save mine.
Justification is not love. Being progressive is not love. Being tolerant is not love.
Love is love.
And real love is being honest. We need to stop kidding ourselves to make ourselves feel better while sick people are dying.
P.S. I want to give a big shout out to my friend Greg. We have been talking a lot about this subject lately. His thoughts and ideas are a huge inspiration to me. I’m very thankful to have a friend who is willing to talk about real stuff. I am forever changed because of his friendship. I hope you have a friend like that in your life too.